The Ghost of my imperfect past

In a few weeks time the brilliant Jim Carrey will star in the latest version of the 150 year old classic 'A Christmas Carol'. Like many classic stories he notes that the reason why the story is so appealing - it tells us of one of the deepest and greatest truths of life; that it is never to late to change direction in life, that it would be a life transforming event if we were to be aware of what will be said of us at the end of our lives and because it tackles the age old concept of redemption or in modern parlance - change management.

As we get older we often become more aware of our failings and we either have to learn to love them or change them. Change is never easy, it's fearful and many people (as the Christmas Carol story shows) still run a million miles from things that make them afraid or ask them to change.

Soon it will be my wedding anniversary. I love the idea that my wife is not the same person I married all these years ago. I love my wife not because she is perfect but imperfect. The beautiful things about the flaws and cracks in life is that the light comes through the cracks and illuminates and enlightens parts of our humanity that we often deny, such as our need to change.

Scrooge is no different to me and I would hazard a guess that everyone on earth has an 'inner Scrooge'. We're all flawed, by definition. Yet all the coaches, therapists, priests and psychologists will tell you the same truth - that those who truly love us will love us despite our imperfections. I know my wife loves me with my many flaws (well at least she tolerates them) and I look forward to celebrating this truth on our forthcoming wedding anniversary when we re-affirm our love for our (imperfect) selves.

Jim Carrey made this beautiful point about the Dickens' story. He said. "I think the moral of the tale is to love: to love yourself and to love the people around you and to know that you can make a difference in someone else’s life".

The Forth Emergency Service

A well known breakdown recovery company once controversially described itself as the 4th emergency service, good gimmick and marketing ploy. But when my car broke down last week I turned to another emergency service - people you know you can rely on.

In my line of work it's always something I dread. I have to be at a funeral meeting within 20 minutes and there is an unexpected disaster, in my case a broken timing belt. Would the AA have come in 10 minutes? Would the AA have provided me with another car in 15 and told me not to worry 'you will get to your appointment Neil I will personally make sure of it'.

Friends who come to your aid in a time of desperation are worth their weight on gold. People who are naturally generous and giving and you know you can turn to without any fear of having to reciprocate their kindness will leave an amazing legacy at the end of their lives.

Legacy is not about death, it's about life and the daily decisions we make to leave timeless values that will inspire other people.

My inspiration today is a simple one. Thanks for coming to my rescue.

The Speaker on the BBC

I don't watch that much telly now that I am married and have kids and work for myself.

My life has moved in so many new and exciting directions. In the last few years I started my own business, I gained a Diploma in Funeral Celebrancy with high Distinction (read a blog recently where someone said tell yourself how good you are now and again), I was accepted as a full member of the prestigious Professional Speakers Association this year and am now getting booked to speak on the subject of your legacy (My 45 minute keynote is called 'Who wants to live forever), I formed a new association for funeral celebrants in the UK along with Terri Shanks, I help train people to become funerals celebrants and have just linked up with the pioneer and father of the celebrancy movement to start a UK branch of the Australian International College of Celebrancy.

Change is good, more than that; necessary to live.

I have been captivated by the BBC TV show 'The Speaker' in the last couple of months and deservedly the youngest but most talented and most passionate speaker won the show- Duncan a 14 year old school boy from Bristol. He is blessed with an abundance of talents but what was fascinating is that in the second last show he ended up in the bottom 3, could have possibly been voted off but then came back with an amazing speech.

What drove him to a new level was personal change. For the first time in the series, possibly his life he experienced bereavement. Not death but the loss of who he was as a speaker. For the first time in his life he said he delivered a speech and didn't enjoy it, he then cried, one of the judges said he went through the bereavement cycle in one day.

He changed, he learnt, he grew. It was all powerful stuff. I think that is why Duncan won the show, he was not afraid of change or failure or crying. Yet he still had a passion to win and learn and feel life.

How amazing, a 14 year old speaker has inspired me to change.

Pint sized courage, touches the parts others do not reach

Courage!!!

It has got to be Shrek fighting the dragon, some motivational poster someone sent you as an email attachment or a pint or beer hasn't it?

Or could it be a widow standing in the pouring rain, drenched to the skin, singing her heart out at a graveside.

It was not planned, I was just about to begin my tribute to her husband and out of the blue the widow, with arms out stretched sang Jennifer Rush's 'The Power of Love' at the top of her voice and not just the chorus either, the full song. She had told me at the family interview that she used to sing this to him. There was no indication as we sat in the kitchen chatting that she was going to pour her heart out on the funeral day.

Maybe she didn't know either. Courage need not be pre meditated.

What could I do but let her sing, listen and admire.

What an inspiration. I don't remember feeling so touched in my last job four years ago as I sat at a desk wondering what I should do with the rest of my life.

I am so glad I have been called to help the bereaved.

I wonder how many of them know they help me.

Sheer Heart attack and Neil's keynote talk

This week (15th April) saw the 20th anniversary of the Hillsborough Disaster when 96 Liverpool fans lost their lives. The wound is still raw, some still demand justice. Football fans and the authorities had seen it coming for years; the problems of terraced football stadiums and over crowding. The symptoms were there but it took a fatal blow before anything changed and stadiums became safe places for fans.

It is an all to often similar pattern. It takes a sheer 'heart attack' of one form or another before things change. We saw it with the Herald of Free Enterprise, Formula One Racing and maybe even the G20 demonstrations in London last week. We often need a fatal wake up call (if you pardon the mixed language here) before change takes place. Its the same story for people and for organisations.

The intentions of the keynote is to give participants a non lethal heart attack (in a nice kind of way) and give participants an opportunity to look at the bigger picture of life by examining the subject of 'How you would like to be remembered at the end of your life?'

Life is beautiful, exciting, passionate and yet fragile. Speaking at funerals every other day of my life I know all too well that tomorrow is promised to no-one and yet if we lived everyday of our lives as it it were our last we would discover the real and deeper meaning of our professional and personal lives and our truest life passions.

What I am offering is lifestyle management training with a twist, an edge and a dash of humour. Death and funerals are possibly the last taboo subject and yet, as Steve Jobs the founder of the Apple Mac said, death is the greatest motivational tool ever invented.

Self awareness leads to self control and opens up the possibilities of change.

Many people and organisations have been motivated to change by a sheer heart attack, that's why I entitled this keynote 'Who wants to live forever?'. Its not a homage to Freddie and some wonderful Queen lyrics, its an invitation, a reminder to live life as if every day was the last. If we do, one day we will be right and we will have a lasting legacy to celebrate.

Blogs, funerals and keeping it REAL

I was reminded last night at a Professional Speakers Association meeting in Glasgow that all speakers and writers should have a message that is; relevant, engaging, authentic and a message that has longevity. If its not is just words words words and more words. The brilliant Mindy Gibbens-Klein, The Book Midwife, made that simple but oh so necessary observation.

That is my daily challenge as a Civil Funeral Celebrant. To make someone's life real and ensure that they have a genuine legacy that their family will remember and be proud of. I say challenge because I can be exactly that. Someone said to me recently, 'Oh you do celebration of life ceremonies don't you?'. Well yes I do and I don't was my immediate thought.

This week I have conducted the funerals of two beautiful people in their early 30's. It is a challenge to have a service that only focus on 'celebrating' someone's life. What about the grief, the heartache, the pain that will still be there after the 2oo sympathy cards have been safety put in a box and everyone else just gets on with life.

You gotta keep it real man.

The sadness at these two particular funerals this week was palpable and on one occasion almost moved me to tears. I hope and pray that every time I stand up and speak from my heart about someone's wife, mum, son, dad, brother, sister, husband, wife, friend the service is one that is Real and relevant, real and engaging, real and authentic and real enough to comfort them for long enough after everyone has gone home and the cards are no longer on the mantelpiece.

Have a good day

Neil

Readings for Victims of the Victorian Fires in Australia

I share with you some of the poetry that is being offered by Celebrants in Australia who are lamenting the terrible tragedies of fire and flood.

My thoughts and prayers are with all those families who are bereaved and who's lives will never be the same again.

The Fire
by Robyn O’Connell

The tall gum tree stood proud,
with branches reaching high into the sky,
reaching for just a piece of sunlight to nourish it.
Native animals inhabited an area that a human had yet to tread.
The birds sang from the tree tops,
a cockatoo screeching to be heard
over the cacophony of other birds.
Then it came,
stealing so quietly,
before erupting with a roar,
and the birds fell silent,
the smoke took over.
Within no time the birds had gone,
the green had gone,
all that was left was black charred remains.
“It is over” said one to another, “there is no more”.
“You are wrong” said the other, “look there on the ground,
a tender green tendril emerges from the ashes,
it grows and a new life begins





As you huddle around the torn silence,
Each by this lonely deed exiled
To a solitary confinement of soul,
May some small glow from what has been lost
Return like the kindness of candlelight.
As your eyes strain to sift
This sudden wall of dark
And no one can say why
In such a forsaken, secret way,
This death was sent for . . .
May one of the lovely hours
Of memory returnLike a field of ease
Among these gravelled days.
May the Angel of WisdomEnter this ruin of absence
And guide your minds
To receive this bitter chalice
So that you do not damage yourselves
By attending only at the hungry altar
Of regret and anger and guilt.
May you be given some inkling
That there could be something else at work
And that what to you now seems
Dark, destructive and forlorn,
Might be a destiny that looks different
From inside the eternal script.
May vision be granted to you
To see this with the eyes of providence.
May your loss become a sanctuary
Where new presence will dwell
To refine and enrich
The rest of your life
With courage and compassion.
And may your lost loved one
Enter into the beauty of eternal tranquillity,
In that place where there is no more sorrow
Or separation or mourning or tears.

John O'Donohue(Benedictus. A Book of Blessings)


Heartache

The hurt is almost unbearable -
Yet we will live through it.
It is because we now feel such deep pain,
It is because the inner ache is so great,
That we realise how much we loved him.
And yet the agony inside
Gives us a strange comfort.
It tells us how much we loved him.
We really would not want to feel any other way –
Because the grief and heartache we feel
Bears witness to the depth of our love.
We know that thoughts of him
Will ever bring us comfort.

Who has the RIGHT to decide the funeral RITE?

An article by THE FUNERAL LADY Pam Vetter, with contribution from Neil Dorward
Posted at http://www.americanchronicle.com/articles/view/90194 on Mon 9th Feb

Article Entitled: Some Clergy Deny Video Photo Montages and Personal Eulogies in Funeral Services


Unless you've had someone die recently, there is no reason you would know that some clergy deny elements requested by family members who are grieving the death of a loved one. If you think it doesn't happen, think again. It's still happening in 2009. And, it's happening around the world. This reminds consumers stateside and overseas that they need to be prepared to make a choice about funeral service when the time comes.

Who do you want to conduct the funeral when the time comes? Where do you want the funeral? What kind of funeral service do you want? As family and friends attend a funeral service, the decedent has essentially gathered everyone together in one place. This creates the perfect environment to share the decedent's favorite song, personal eulogies and a video or DVD photo montage set to music. However, some clergy are saying "no" to the family's plan at the last minute. Even when the funeral is held outside the confines of the church in a funeral home chapel.

Funeral homes remain unwilling to challenge clergy, allowing them to take control away from the family. Even when the family has paid for additional services such as the video or DVD photo montage, which was planned to be shown at the funeral service. Sometimes the clergy deny the family directly, while other times they simply give a direction to the funeral director advising them not to play the video during the funeral service. Furthermore, the clergy will have the funeral director tell the family to play the video at another location, outside of the funeral service. What if there is no reception or no other planned gathering?

There are clergy who are actually telling funeral directors, "I know they want the montage, but turn it off. I don't want people to be distracted from me." Is the funeral service about the clergy, is it about God, or is it about the deceased? Can it be a shared focus?Denying family funeral wishes is a recipe for upsetting a grieving family, who may reconsider their church and organized religion. Many families have left a church after a funeral didn't fit the decedent or their vision of a meaningful funeral.When holding a service at a funeral home in the United States, there is the perception that "anything goes" at the funeral. But, the "anything goes" result is not guaranteed.

In sharing this scenario with voices around the world, Father Daniel Beegan, a priest with the Catholic Charismatic Church, remains an open-minded priest with an amazing understanding of a family's needs."The photo montage the family wanted could easily have been run at the conclusion of the religious service. I also get annoyed when clergy, primarily bishops, try to ban certain songs from funerals. One New England Roman Catholic bishop issued an edict prohibiting the playing of 'Danny Boy' at funerals, and wasn't the bishop Irish himself." Beegan added, "I certainly can see banning 'Sympathy for the Devil' from a Christian funeral, but not 'Danny Boy.'"

UK Celebrant Charles Cowling says that families in the United States are not alone."Over here it's some Catholics who deny families the right to play their music and, sometimes, speak a eulogy. We don't have DVD memorials over here. There are theological reasons for this, I suppose: the star of any religious ritual must be God and He must not be upstaged," Cowling explained, "The Irish clergy are especially hot on this -- but then the Irish have always been fiery and ascetic. Our own dear Church of England is most accommodating. I don't think that belief in God, for example, is a pre-requisite of membership. They go with everything; the closest they come to demurring is to shuffle embarrassedly. There's been a bit of a storm about all this in Australia, too. The nub of the problem here as, possibly, in your country, is that priests conduct funerals for folk who haven't been in a church for years. It's bound to be unsatisfactory. Inasmuch as the Christian church does not, I believe (but I could be wrong) reckon a funeral to be an indispensable rite, it would be far better for disconnected folk to work up their own mongrel ritual. Or simply engage a priest for the committal. I hate to say this, but there's too much sloppy thinking about religion from those stay-away agnostics who superstitiously suppose that their dead need to be sent on their way with a priest's blessing. What then happens is that the priest does his/her work according to his/her theology and the congregation sits and stares with empty eyes because the dogma means nothing to them or, worse, is inimical. A funeral can only be meaningful and right if people take responsibility and think with rigour. For such people there exist all manner of congenial priests and the whole of the Multifaith ministry. So, while I am sympathetic, I'd also say there's no excuse."

Celebrant Neil Dorward of Scotland has some advice for families. "The way round this problem of things going wrong at a funeral and families having the wrong kind of service is to ensure:

1. You write your own eulogy, legacy statement and funeral plan
2. You nominate a great speaker to lead your service
3. You decide in advance if you want a religious service or not and you fully understand what certain religious service are all about and what their purpose is

"People plan weddings six months in advance, why not plan the service and nominate a speaker in advance? Civil funerals versus religious funerals; celebration of life versus preaching the good news. Whilst I am fully sympathetic to anyone who has a bad experience at a funeral and some clergymen can make this worse, simply by their manner or speaking voice, I do have some degree of sympathy with the churches," Dorward said. "The Catholic church for example does not celebrate the life of the deceased at a funeral Mass or allow a eulogy because they believe the comfort comes from the faith (of the individual and the community) in the resurrection, the comfort is to focus on Christ's promise of eternal life and the forgiveness of sins, not the person. And, I fully understand why that kind of funeral is needed, because people of faith find comfort in faith."

In sharing an example of what a family can face in funeral planning, Dorward notes that family members often have different beliefs."The problem, as far as I am aware, is that when it comes to arranging a funeral, very often the five children of the deceased all have different relationships with the church, some may want a Mass, some may not. What do you do? Which service is right? I would argue that if the deceased has asked for a Catholic Mass, the children must accept that kind of service and cannot grumble that it was not personal enough. If they still want to offer personal tributes, do that at the hotel afterwards. In my experience, many families opt for a Catholic funeral for the wrong reasons, they 'think' that's what mum would want because she occasionally went to church or, believe it or not, they make this choice because it is the cheaper option.

It would be great if the Catholic Church offered another kind of (personalised) funeral service for the so-called unchurched and those on the margins of the church. They can and do offer a service like this at a crematorium/funeral parlour and these services are more accommodating to the families needs, but if the service the family specifically asks for is a Mass, the rules are different and the priest does not have any choice but to follow the set rite and liturgy."Dorward has witnessed a variety of funerals. "I have experienced many Masses where the people in the pews were lost, the service went right over their heads and when it came to Holy Communion, five people go up the receive and 100 sit on their bums. Wrong choice, wrong service, who is the blame here? To some extent it is the family and the priest for not offering the right guidance," Dorward noted. "Thankfully this situation has changed now with the arrival of civil funerals but my point is; families should seriously think about what kind of service they want and choose the right one, as you can't repeat a funeral and we know all about the healing power of the 'right' funeral. Remember, too, that with a Catholic Mass you get no choice over the speaker. If the priest is people friendly and will make every effort to make the words of the Mass touch their hearts and souls - great. But if he has a speaking voice that will bore the pants off of you and he makes no effort to communicate with his eyes/mind/soul/body and words then I'm afraid that your Donald Duck (Luck), as they say in London.

"No matter whether you're stateside or overseas, Dorward reminds families that they are beholden to the "rules" of the church where the service takes place.

"In 99% of funeral Masses, songs like 'Danny Boy' will not be allowed but they can be played at the service the night before which is called 'The Reception of Remains' and there is scope for secular music, if there is no Mass and the family have one service only at somewhere like a crematorium or funeral parlour. Specifically for a Catholic Mass, the priest (acting in the name of Christ - in personna Christi) is in charge of the ceremony, the sacrament - not the family. I am not sure if everyone fully understands the purpose of a funeral Mass, especially if they were brought up in the church but have stopped going for whatever reason for the last 20 years and all of a sudden their mother or father dies and they have never really been told what the Mass is all about. The priest does in that sense have a right to say; no to a video, no to a PowerPoint slide show, no to a Frank Sinatra CD, no to a eulogy by the deceased's best friend, as the point of this ceremony, the Mass, is God focused, not deceased focused. Many people who are unfamiliar with the Catholic Church and even Catholic with some basic Catholic education, in my opinion, do not know what the purpose of the funeral Mass. If this does not fit your personal needs, don't have it - have a civil ceremony. I think Catholics need to be educated along these lines and not complain afterwards because it wasn't what they expected and because the service wasn't personalised. It is shocking in your example that a clergyman said he didn't want anyone to be distracted from 'me,' (hey the service/Mass is not about the priest either) but had he said he didn't want anyone to be distracted from the solemnity and the service and distracted from God, I could accept that. I know some priests in Scotland who are very accommodating and will respect some of the family's wishes in respect of music and eulogies, but they do not have to. He is perfectly within his rights to be in charge so to speak. Again, it all depends how it is done. In the ideal world, the family will know in advance what the Mass is all about and what they are letting themselves in to, the priest will know the deceased and will have spent a considerable period of time preparing the service and getting people involved in the funeral."

Dorward has attended some beautiful Masses and very moving funerals in churches, but that's because he understands its reason, purpose and where the comfort comes from."I have experienced many comments about funerals that went wrong. People out there need to know the rules so to speak and the choices that are available and then there is less likelihood of people being hurt and pained at such a significant moment in their lives. The bottom line is (and I can only speak about the Catholic church here) the funeral belongs to God/priest/family/parish community when it is a Catholic religious service." Dorward added, "The funeral belongs to the family when it is a civil service."

The Legacy Man

Hi, my name is Neil Dorward and I am an author, a speaker, a trainer, a coach and a Civil Funeral Celebrant in Scotland.

I have decided to write a blog because I have just finished writing an article all about living your LEGACY and doing what you want to do TODAY before its too late.

I work within the funeral industry every day of my life. I speak at funerals almost every day of my life as a Civil Funeral Celebrant (http://www.bespokecivilceremonies.co.uk/) and have often written or spoken about the idea that tomorrow is promised to no-one, so if you have a burning desire or passion to do something, do it today.

Today I decided to start a blog

I have just come back from a very moving funeral. I led a funeral service for the same family a few months ago and today I was back with the family to give them the exact funeral that they wanted for their mum. There were tears, there was laughter and there was a connection between the words that were spoken and people's hearts, so much so that when one of the daughters came to read a poem for her mum, she took my hand, held it in a vice like grip of need and warmth and ask me to stand beside her. As she read, the tears rolled down her face.

We all need that sometimes, someone to hold on to.

At the end of the service, everyone in the congregation was invited to give a hug to the person they were standing next to and you could almost see some people's face saying 'Are you joking?' 'But we've not hugged in ages' or 'I don't even know the person I'm standing next to right now'. But people did, they maybe did something today they had not done in a while.

Tomorrow is promised to no one, what are you going to do today that you weren't doing yesterday?

Have a good day

Neil