Do funerals that celebrate life deny the sadness of death?
Civil Funerals have grown in popularity in Central Scotland in the last 5 years. They are still a relatively new idea and there are only a handful of qualified and accredited Funeral Celebrants in Scotland.
Civil Funerals are well received and offer genuine healing to families who want this kind of service but others argue that they over emphasise the 'celebration' of life to the detriment of the loss and mourning.
Last month, when the former Sex Pistols Manager and punk impresario Malcolm McLaren died he asked people at the funeral not to have a moment of quiet reflection but to have a moment of mayhem. The music was to be turned up load and in his own words he wanted to let it rip (nice play on RIP there Malcolm).
Recently I conducted a funeral where everyone was asked to sing the famous 'Jeelie Piece' song and when everyone left they were given a miniature bottle of whiskey to toast the memory of this young man who had sadly died.
It is right that we mourn and cry. Lives extinguished in an instant. Worlds changed for so many people. But, at that funeral what was a tragedy also turned into a celebration of life - the funeral only lasted 20 minutes and I can guarantee you more tears will be shed for days, weeks and years to come.
Can you see that something good could come out of this funeral? Life isn't fair but sometimes a gift comes out of the dust and a rainbow appears through the prism of a tear.
Even a Jeelie Piece can remind us that we are not alone, that love does not die and that it is ok to celebrate life and mourn death.
Friday 21 May 2010
Sunday 25 October 2009
The Ghost of my imperfect past
In a few weeks time the brilliant Jim Carrey will star in the latest version of the 150 year old classic 'A Christmas Carol'. Like many classic stories he notes that the reason why the story is so appealing - it tells us of one of the deepest and greatest truths of life; that it is never to late to change direction in life, that it would be a life transforming event if we were to be aware of what will be said of us at the end of our lives and because it tackles the age old concept of redemption or in modern parlance - change management.
As we get older we often become more aware of our failings and we either have to learn to love them or change them. Change is never easy, it's fearful and many people (as the Christmas Carol story shows) still run a million miles from things that make them afraid or ask them to change.
Soon it will be my wedding anniversary. I love the idea that my wife is not the same person I married all these years ago. I love my wife not because she is perfect but imperfect. The beautiful things about the flaws and cracks in life is that the light comes through the cracks and illuminates and enlightens parts of our humanity that we often deny, such as our need to change.
Scrooge is no different to me and I would hazard a guess that everyone on earth has an 'inner Scrooge'. We're all flawed, by definition. Yet all the coaches, therapists, priests and psychologists will tell you the same truth - that those who truly love us will love us despite our imperfections. I know my wife loves me with my many flaws (well at least she tolerates them) and I look forward to celebrating this truth on our forthcoming wedding anniversary when we re-affirm our love for our (imperfect) selves.
Jim Carrey made this beautiful point about the Dickens' story. He said. "I think the moral of the tale is to love: to love yourself and to love the people around you and to know that you can make a difference in someone else’s life".
As we get older we often become more aware of our failings and we either have to learn to love them or change them. Change is never easy, it's fearful and many people (as the Christmas Carol story shows) still run a million miles from things that make them afraid or ask them to change.
Soon it will be my wedding anniversary. I love the idea that my wife is not the same person I married all these years ago. I love my wife not because she is perfect but imperfect. The beautiful things about the flaws and cracks in life is that the light comes through the cracks and illuminates and enlightens parts of our humanity that we often deny, such as our need to change.
Scrooge is no different to me and I would hazard a guess that everyone on earth has an 'inner Scrooge'. We're all flawed, by definition. Yet all the coaches, therapists, priests and psychologists will tell you the same truth - that those who truly love us will love us despite our imperfections. I know my wife loves me with my many flaws (well at least she tolerates them) and I look forward to celebrating this truth on our forthcoming wedding anniversary when we re-affirm our love for our (imperfect) selves.
Jim Carrey made this beautiful point about the Dickens' story. He said. "I think the moral of the tale is to love: to love yourself and to love the people around you and to know that you can make a difference in someone else’s life".
Thursday 2 July 2009
The Forth Emergency Service
A well known breakdown recovery company once controversially described itself as the 4th emergency service, good gimmick and marketing ploy. But when my car broke down last week I turned to another emergency service - people you know you can rely on.
In my line of work it's always something I dread. I have to be at a funeral meeting within 20 minutes and there is an unexpected disaster, in my case a broken timing belt. Would the AA have come in 10 minutes? Would the AA have provided me with another car in 15 and told me not to worry 'you will get to your appointment Neil I will personally make sure of it'.
Friends who come to your aid in a time of desperation are worth their weight on gold. People who are naturally generous and giving and you know you can turn to without any fear of having to reciprocate their kindness will leave an amazing legacy at the end of their lives.
Legacy is not about death, it's about life and the daily decisions we make to leave timeless values that will inspire other people.
My inspiration today is a simple one. Thanks for coming to my rescue.
In my line of work it's always something I dread. I have to be at a funeral meeting within 20 minutes and there is an unexpected disaster, in my case a broken timing belt. Would the AA have come in 10 minutes? Would the AA have provided me with another car in 15 and told me not to worry 'you will get to your appointment Neil I will personally make sure of it'.
Friends who come to your aid in a time of desperation are worth their weight on gold. People who are naturally generous and giving and you know you can turn to without any fear of having to reciprocate their kindness will leave an amazing legacy at the end of their lives.
Legacy is not about death, it's about life and the daily decisions we make to leave timeless values that will inspire other people.
My inspiration today is a simple one. Thanks for coming to my rescue.
Wednesday 6 May 2009
The Speaker on the BBC
I don't watch that much telly now that I am married and have kids and work for myself.
My life has moved in so many new and exciting directions. In the last few years I started my own business, I gained a Diploma in Funeral Celebrancy with high Distinction (read a blog recently where someone said tell yourself how good you are now and again), I was accepted as a full member of the prestigious Professional Speakers Association this year and am now getting booked to speak on the subject of your legacy (My 45 minute keynote is called 'Who wants to live forever), I formed a new association for funeral celebrants in the UK along with Terri Shanks, I help train people to become funerals celebrants and have just linked up with the pioneer and father of the celebrancy movement to start a UK branch of the Australian International College of Celebrancy.
Change is good, more than that; necessary to live.
I have been captivated by the BBC TV show 'The Speaker' in the last couple of months and deservedly the youngest but most talented and most passionate speaker won the show- Duncan a 14 year old school boy from Bristol. He is blessed with an abundance of talents but what was fascinating is that in the second last show he ended up in the bottom 3, could have possibly been voted off but then came back with an amazing speech.
What drove him to a new level was personal change. For the first time in the series, possibly his life he experienced bereavement. Not death but the loss of who he was as a speaker. For the first time in his life he said he delivered a speech and didn't enjoy it, he then cried, one of the judges said he went through the bereavement cycle in one day.
He changed, he learnt, he grew. It was all powerful stuff. I think that is why Duncan won the show, he was not afraid of change or failure or crying. Yet he still had a passion to win and learn and feel life.
How amazing, a 14 year old speaker has inspired me to change.
My life has moved in so many new and exciting directions. In the last few years I started my own business, I gained a Diploma in Funeral Celebrancy with high Distinction (read a blog recently where someone said tell yourself how good you are now and again), I was accepted as a full member of the prestigious Professional Speakers Association this year and am now getting booked to speak on the subject of your legacy (My 45 minute keynote is called 'Who wants to live forever), I formed a new association for funeral celebrants in the UK along with Terri Shanks, I help train people to become funerals celebrants and have just linked up with the pioneer and father of the celebrancy movement to start a UK branch of the Australian International College of Celebrancy.
Change is good, more than that; necessary to live.
I have been captivated by the BBC TV show 'The Speaker' in the last couple of months and deservedly the youngest but most talented and most passionate speaker won the show- Duncan a 14 year old school boy from Bristol. He is blessed with an abundance of talents but what was fascinating is that in the second last show he ended up in the bottom 3, could have possibly been voted off but then came back with an amazing speech.
What drove him to a new level was personal change. For the first time in the series, possibly his life he experienced bereavement. Not death but the loss of who he was as a speaker. For the first time in his life he said he delivered a speech and didn't enjoy it, he then cried, one of the judges said he went through the bereavement cycle in one day.
He changed, he learnt, he grew. It was all powerful stuff. I think that is why Duncan won the show, he was not afraid of change or failure or crying. Yet he still had a passion to win and learn and feel life.
How amazing, a 14 year old speaker has inspired me to change.
Pint sized courage, touches the parts others do not reach
Courage!!!
It has got to be Shrek fighting the dragon, some motivational poster someone sent you as an email attachment or a pint or beer hasn't it?
Or could it be a widow standing in the pouring rain, drenched to the skin, singing her heart out at a graveside.
It was not planned, I was just about to begin my tribute to her husband and out of the blue the widow, with arms out stretched sang Jennifer Rush's 'The Power of Love' at the top of her voice and not just the chorus either, the full song. She had told me at the family interview that she used to sing this to him. There was no indication as we sat in the kitchen chatting that she was going to pour her heart out on the funeral day.
Maybe she didn't know either. Courage need not be pre meditated.
What could I do but let her sing, listen and admire.
What an inspiration. I don't remember feeling so touched in my last job four years ago as I sat at a desk wondering what I should do with the rest of my life.
I am so glad I have been called to help the bereaved.
I wonder how many of them know they help me.
It has got to be Shrek fighting the dragon, some motivational poster someone sent you as an email attachment or a pint or beer hasn't it?
Or could it be a widow standing in the pouring rain, drenched to the skin, singing her heart out at a graveside.
It was not planned, I was just about to begin my tribute to her husband and out of the blue the widow, with arms out stretched sang Jennifer Rush's 'The Power of Love' at the top of her voice and not just the chorus either, the full song. She had told me at the family interview that she used to sing this to him. There was no indication as we sat in the kitchen chatting that she was going to pour her heart out on the funeral day.
Maybe she didn't know either. Courage need not be pre meditated.
What could I do but let her sing, listen and admire.
What an inspiration. I don't remember feeling so touched in my last job four years ago as I sat at a desk wondering what I should do with the rest of my life.
I am so glad I have been called to help the bereaved.
I wonder how many of them know they help me.
Friday 17 April 2009
Sheer Heart attack and Neil's keynote talk
This week (15th April) saw the 20th anniversary of the Hillsborough Disaster when 96 Liverpool fans lost their lives. The wound is still raw, some still demand justice. Football fans and the authorities had seen it coming for years; the problems of terraced football stadiums and over crowding. The symptoms were there but it took a fatal blow before anything changed and stadiums became safe places for fans.
It is an all to often similar pattern. It takes a sheer 'heart attack' of one form or another before things change. We saw it with the Herald of Free Enterprise, Formula One Racing and maybe even the G20 demonstrations in London last week. We often need a fatal wake up call (if you pardon the mixed language here) before change takes place. Its the same story for people and for organisations.
The intentions of the keynote is to give participants a non lethal heart attack (in a nice kind of way) and give participants an opportunity to look at the bigger picture of life by examining the subject of 'How you would like to be remembered at the end of your life?'
Life is beautiful, exciting, passionate and yet fragile. Speaking at funerals every other day of my life I know all too well that tomorrow is promised to no-one and yet if we lived everyday of our lives as it it were our last we would discover the real and deeper meaning of our professional and personal lives and our truest life passions.
What I am offering is lifestyle management training with a twist, an edge and a dash of humour. Death and funerals are possibly the last taboo subject and yet, as Steve Jobs the founder of the Apple Mac said, death is the greatest motivational tool ever invented.
Self awareness leads to self control and opens up the possibilities of change.
Many people and organisations have been motivated to change by a sheer heart attack, that's why I entitled this keynote 'Who wants to live forever?'. Its not a homage to Freddie and some wonderful Queen lyrics, its an invitation, a reminder to live life as if every day was the last. If we do, one day we will be right and we will have a lasting legacy to celebrate.
It is an all to often similar pattern. It takes a sheer 'heart attack' of one form or another before things change. We saw it with the Herald of Free Enterprise, Formula One Racing and maybe even the G20 demonstrations in London last week. We often need a fatal wake up call (if you pardon the mixed language here) before change takes place. Its the same story for people and for organisations.
The intentions of the keynote is to give participants a non lethal heart attack (in a nice kind of way) and give participants an opportunity to look at the bigger picture of life by examining the subject of 'How you would like to be remembered at the end of your life?'
Life is beautiful, exciting, passionate and yet fragile. Speaking at funerals every other day of my life I know all too well that tomorrow is promised to no-one and yet if we lived everyday of our lives as it it were our last we would discover the real and deeper meaning of our professional and personal lives and our truest life passions.
What I am offering is lifestyle management training with a twist, an edge and a dash of humour. Death and funerals are possibly the last taboo subject and yet, as Steve Jobs the founder of the Apple Mac said, death is the greatest motivational tool ever invented.
Self awareness leads to self control and opens up the possibilities of change.
Many people and organisations have been motivated to change by a sheer heart attack, that's why I entitled this keynote 'Who wants to live forever?'. Its not a homage to Freddie and some wonderful Queen lyrics, its an invitation, a reminder to live life as if every day was the last. If we do, one day we will be right and we will have a lasting legacy to celebrate.
Thursday 5 March 2009
Blogs, funerals and keeping it REAL
I was reminded last night at a Professional Speakers Association meeting in Glasgow that all speakers and writers should have a message that is; relevant, engaging, authentic and a message that has longevity. If its not is just words words words and more words. The brilliant Mindy Gibbens-Klein, The Book Midwife, made that simple but oh so necessary observation.
That is my daily challenge as a Civil Funeral Celebrant. To make someone's life real and ensure that they have a genuine legacy that their family will remember and be proud of. I say challenge because I can be exactly that. Someone said to me recently, 'Oh you do celebration of life ceremonies don't you?'. Well yes I do and I don't was my immediate thought.
This week I have conducted the funerals of two beautiful people in their early 30's. It is a challenge to have a service that only focus on 'celebrating' someone's life. What about the grief, the heartache, the pain that will still be there after the 2oo sympathy cards have been safety put in a box and everyone else just gets on with life.
You gotta keep it real man.
The sadness at these two particular funerals this week was palpable and on one occasion almost moved me to tears. I hope and pray that every time I stand up and speak from my heart about someone's wife, mum, son, dad, brother, sister, husband, wife, friend the service is one that is Real and relevant, real and engaging, real and authentic and real enough to comfort them for long enough after everyone has gone home and the cards are no longer on the mantelpiece.
Have a good day
Neil
That is my daily challenge as a Civil Funeral Celebrant. To make someone's life real and ensure that they have a genuine legacy that their family will remember and be proud of. I say challenge because I can be exactly that. Someone said to me recently, 'Oh you do celebration of life ceremonies don't you?'. Well yes I do and I don't was my immediate thought.
This week I have conducted the funerals of two beautiful people in their early 30's. It is a challenge to have a service that only focus on 'celebrating' someone's life. What about the grief, the heartache, the pain that will still be there after the 2oo sympathy cards have been safety put in a box and everyone else just gets on with life.
You gotta keep it real man.
The sadness at these two particular funerals this week was palpable and on one occasion almost moved me to tears. I hope and pray that every time I stand up and speak from my heart about someone's wife, mum, son, dad, brother, sister, husband, wife, friend the service is one that is Real and relevant, real and engaging, real and authentic and real enough to comfort them for long enough after everyone has gone home and the cards are no longer on the mantelpiece.
Have a good day
Neil
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